Thursday, November 5, 2015

Total Weirdness

     Charlie is back today. It's time to pick up where I left off after my diagnosis at the age of 22, I know that, but I woke up this morning feeling weird again. Yes, that kind of weird.
     I couldn't tell for sure if it was a seizure or not, because the mental state between sleeping and waking up is so similar to them. I forced myself to get up, as a sort of test. Then, I walked into the bathroom and crouched down on the floor for a few seconds.
     Weird, huh?
     I have no idea why I did that, or maybe I do.
     A behaviorist must look at the evidence. What did my actions say? What purpose did they serve?Why did I crouch down on the same little carpet where one of my worst seizures took place in July, the one that scared me so much at the beginning that I wanted my mother.
     Me, a grown woman, wanting my mother!
     Is it because one of my earliest and best childhood memories involves me sunbathing on a little pink rug similar to the one in my bathroom. Do I crouch down on the rug seeking comfort, remembering how close my mother was that day I watched my fat, red crayon get all "bendy" in the sun?
     Because getting out of bed, heading into the bathroom and snuggling on a bath mat isn't my normal routine, yes, I'd say it was a seizure, probably one that started in my sleep. So it counts.
     Now my driving date resets:  May 5, 2015. That was my 71st seizure this year.
     I might have forgotten my meds yesterday morning, so it could be my fault. Well, it's always my fault because my brain is doing it, right? I'm responsible for my own behavior and yesterday, I might have forgotten my medicine.
     My current method of making sure I don't forget is turning the bottles upside down at night when I take my meds and then right-side up in the morning when I do the same. Last night, when I took them, the bottles were still in the "bedtime position," so I had to ask myself:
     a) Did I forget to take them in the morning?
     b) Did I already take them earlier in the evening and forget to flip the bottles?
     c) Did I take them in the morning and forget to flip the bottles?
     Either way, it was a gamble. I decided to take my meds and risk doubling up.
     So, I'm not sure if my goofy behavior this morning was due to low drug levels in my blood from forgetting to take my meds yesterday or not...It might have been.
     These are the murky waters I'm navigating.
     Judging (and that's what it is) from my behavior, it appears I might have a mental disorder.
     A neurologist diagnosed epilepsy.
     Inside, all I can see is me.
     What do you see?