Saturday, November 21, 2015

Zombie Mom

July 25, 2015


     That's an entry from the seizure tracker app on my phone. Thanks to the new app, I was able to see what my seizures look like from the outside. My first reaction was surprise at how physical the changes are, how different I look.
     How did I manage to fake my way through hundreds of seizures without letting others around me realize I was in the Twilight Zone?
     I must be a fantastic actress, huh?
    The first one I captured was a doozie. I passed out on my front porch swing, and the phone landed face up. So, it shows me fading away, regaining consciousness and then walking into the house.
     I was shocked by how "out of it" I looked, even during the conscious part..Not so much afterward but at the beginning.
     Maybe I will download it and share if I'm ever brave enough and think it will help someone. There are people like me with videos on YouTube, but I'm not there yet and might never be.
     I'm taking baby steps. Last night, I was honest enough to tell a friend, who had never seen me have a seizure before, just as it started. I could've easily faked it, but I didn't.
     It was the same old routine. First I was scared, then I felt wonderful..somewhere else.
     And then, for some reason, I had the strong urge to apologize.
     But why?
     All I did was lie down and zone out for several seconds, but still, I felt that because I had lost control of myself, I had done something wrong and needed to say I was sorry.
     My epilepsy had leaked out for a new person to see.
     What would happen next?