Thursday, January 14, 2016


     I'm starting to miss my Depakoted life and my hidden disease no one knew about.
     However, I'm not doing much to get that life back again.
     According to Virginia state law, I would have been able to drive again on New Year's Day...if my seizures had stopped after the wreck.
     I knew the rules before the doctor said I had to give up my license, but still, I burst into tears when the words came out of his mouth. It takes a lot for me burst like that, so quickly.
    The doctor was nice and tried to make me feel better by reminding me it would be something to celebrate for the new year. 
    At the time, in early July, it sounded so far away...but here I am, without any real plan for getting my driver's license back. It just doesn't bother me like it did then. 
      I'm post-ictal at the moment, and it feels really good in a way nobody else seems to understand. 
      My mind isn't racing with a million thoughts about stories I need to write, like most mornings.
      Instead,  it feels clear and calm.
      Before the seizure, there were too many ideas bumping into each other, and now, some of them have gone back to sleep.
     No one talks about this part of the kindling effect because they don't feel it.

     The kindling effect is what happens when one part of an overexcited brain touches another part and they get hyper together. The excess energy can keep going like sparks touching other places to spread the fire.
     Only I know what it feels like when those tiny sparks begin to fly between the deepest parts of my brain...The doors to my memories open up one right after another and take me places beyond my dreams and feelings into somewhere else...better.
     Can your brain do that?

     Everyone else sees the effects of those tiny flames, but I feel the warmth.
     You just can't understand.
     Today I felt like I was glowing from the inside.