Saturday, January 30, 2016

Postictal

     I'm postictal, which means I just had another seizure...minutes ago.
     It wasn't anything to write home about, not like the one yesterday that caused me to lean my head back and smile into the sunshine like Stevie Wonder in the middle of a tune.
     This was my typical "zone-out" where I stared into space for two minutes.
     I even managed to hide it from Jessie, my neighbor's dog, who knows my habits well. She had her eyes on me the whole time.
     As I stared back, while coming out of my seizure, I thought to myself, "Maggie would know something was up." (Maggie's my dog, btw.)
     She would be close to me, touching me by now...her little body pressed right against me.
     That's what I was thinking while I gazed at Jessie. Sometimes I find Maggie in my seizure videos when I look at them later, not even realizing how close she was when filming.
My little photo-bomber
     Maggie licks my face when my head is on the ground, I thought. She wakes me up.
     The seizure began when my mind wandered into the danger zone of first grade. Nothing bad happened there; it isn't like that.
     I know this because I feel so good when I come back again, like I've been to Sesame Street.
     I walked around a little bit, too, I must confess, but only five or seven steps before sitting down.
   While walking, I reminded myself why I had to go sit in the open, why I couldn't zone out in the corner and enjoy the moment.
      "I'm doing this for us," I told myself, "So I can find out how much control we have when our minds are being pulled somewhere else, by our brains."
     That still makes sense to me now, but it's hard to explain while postictal, so I'm going to skip it.
     While returning to here, as I looked into Jessie's eyes, I thought, "If I can fake her out, I'm getting pretty good at this."
     It's harder to fool dogs than people, for some reason.
     I gave her my best smile...not the Wonderful one from yesterday's deeper seizure but the conscious smile I give everyone.
     I was back.
     She turned to go inside, and I got up to do the same. Over her shoulder, before walking into her house, she barked.
     Maybe Jessie is onto me after all.